BLOG RESURRECTION

After 3 years of not blogging, lately I have felt sufficiently incensed by so many things that I have decided I need an outlet for my anger and frustration. Therefore I have decided to ressurect the blog. I would like it to be much more interactive this time and welcome posts, articles or ramblings from any like minded women or men out there who would like to contribute to the discussion. The last month seems to have just been a tidal wave of mysogyny slowly drowning us all. What with Seth McFarlane's 'jokes' at The Oscars, The dispicable reporting of Reeva Steenkamp's death, the Keep Calm and Rape-A-Lot t-shirts being sold on Amazon, the Daily Mail deciding to run a story on International Women's Day about how awful it is that mothers 'dont cook from scratch every day' and the fact that so few women (and men) are willing to identify themselves as feminists. So blogging shall resume shortly - watch this space.... and in the meantime, how about reading one of these brilliant articles to get you all fired up? Cx

Guardian podcast about Sex and Relationships

I apologise for not blogging in some time but life has been rather hectic of late. I shall resume writing very soon but in the meantime, here is a Guardian news podcast including an interview with me.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/audio/2010/oct/15/focus-podcast-sexually-transmitted-infections-audio

I'm not sexist but..........

At the airport recently, I decided to stock up on magazines. As well as the usual Grazia, Empire and Heat, I grabbed Tatler which I have never bought before but it had January Jones, my girl-crush, on the cover so I was swayed by the idea of Mad Men gossip. I guess I had always assumed Tatler was a silly Sloaney magazine that talked about posh people and posh clubs and had photos of them at the polo. What I found was a little more sinister. It is one article in particular that had me fuming on the plane so much that Paul had to calm me down and suggested I just stop reading and blog about it when I got home instead. The article was written by a chap called James Dellingpole who I now know to be a Torygraph journalist and climate change denier…. as well as an ignorant sexist arse. The article argues that there is nothing sexist or in any way wrong about buying a private education for your son and letting your daughter ''make do'' with a state one but that, in fact, this makes perfect sense. Dellingpole says that his son (or Boy as he refers to him in the article) had difficulties at his C of E state school and that even though it was rated outstanding ‘’it really wasn’t much cop at handling bright middle class boys’’ so Boy was moved to a private school and ‘’Girl drew the short straw’’ and was condemned to a state school education. How ghastly! He goes on to say that he thinks this is perfectly acceptable and that despite the fact that this confession ‘’is the kind of thing that gets your head bitten off by feminists’’ he thinks there are very good reasons why it is more important to give your son a ''better education'' than your daughter. This is his list of reasons:

1. Boys are much more likely to end up earning their family’s crust, while girls – especially if they’re pretty – can always marry someone rich regardless of their education.

2. Girls, being more sophisticated, socially adept, manipulative and devious, are much more capable of negotiating the complexities of the state school system than boys.

3. Boys are lazier and less mature than girls and are therefore in much greater need of private school discipline.

4. Boys are more physical and are in greater need of regular sport that state schools rarely provide.

Dellingpole reckons that most of the parents in his social circle agree with him and there is now a growing trend in the recession for parents of multiple children to send the boys to private school and the girls to state school. It is NOT sexist he says, simply logical and practical.

He ends his article thus: I’m hoping that Boy goes to a tailcoat wearing school full of boys desperate to meet attractive sisters with urban state educated street-cred and that Girl therefore meets future Duke/hedgefunder through her brother and never has to work again. I don’t call that sexist. I call that common sense.

And I call you a twat James Dellingpole.

OH DO SHUT UP GISELLE

Don't you just love it when supermodels take it upon themselves to dole out advice to mere mortals? This week it is the turn of Giselle, 5'11 Brazillian supermodel who tells us that not only was she back modelling g-string bikinis 6 weeks after giving birth but also that she thinks a worldwide law should be passed forcing all new mothers to breastfeed for 6 months. ''Some people'' she tells us ''think they don't have to breastfeed and I think are you really going to give chemical food to your child?''. While I am very happy that the 9 stone model so enjoys breastfeeding, and that she meditated throughout her home birth and 'felt no pain', I am getting sick of celebrities daily claims about the right and wrong way to give birth, lose the baby weight and bring up children. I have often moaned and raged about what I see as a distinct lack of sisterhood in our society and this kind of comment goes straight to the heart of what I believe to be such a huge problem. Women are not a homogeneous group. Every single woman is different. Yes I know this sounds obvious to you and I but I really do think some people need reminding. No two pregnancies are the same, no two births are the same and no two mothers are the same. This is due to a mix of personality, biology, hormones, status, education, health and a wealth of other factors. While Giselle may be lucky enough to be able to breastfeed for 6 months, not all women have such a privilege. Some can not afford to take 6 months off work so need to move on to formula much quicker. Others decide with their partners that it would be nice for dad to be able to do his share of feeding and bonding with baby. More still, simply can not physically breastfeed whether this is from finding it rather painful, or having a baby who simply will not feed to suffering from postpartum depression or chronic mastitis or a plethora of other health issues. Motherhood is surely a deeply personal experience where every new mother must find her own way. Breastfeeding is not some kind of moral imperative but a personal choice. So thanks Giselle, but do shut up now... don't you have some more bikinis to model?

Legend???

Whatever your opinion about the police handling of the Raoul Moat fiasco, I imagine you feel as uncomfortable as I do about the strange outpouring of hero worship that has appeared on blogs, forums and Facebook in recent days. Despite shooting his ex girlfriend, killing her boyfriend and shooting a police officer in the face at close range, almost 23,000 people have joined a Facebook group called ‘RIP RAOUL MOAT YOU LEGEND!’ I can think of many words to describe Moat: dangerously misguided, mentally unstable, addict, abusive, aggressive and clearly in need of psychiatric help but ‘legend’ he is not.

More worryingly, many of the people holding Moat up as some kind of anti establishment hero are claiming that the real monsters in all this are women. Yes really. There are some gems on the Facebook page including ‘’wata guy! Dats wa apenz wen women melt ya so much tha push ya da insanity’’. Eloquently put. Another priceless contribution was from Anthony who offered ‘’HOPE OTHER WOMEN LEARN FROM HIS WOMAN MISTAKE. KEEP YOUR FUCKING LEGS SHUT WHILE YOUR MAN IS AWAY’’. And it’s not just men spewing this bile. Tina Reid added ‘’your ex is shambles fucking devious lying cow – should be her in a coffin’’.

I then came across a blog from Benjamin Barton who is apparently hoping to become an MP – god help us all – which I wont go into in too much detail as I currently have flames coming out of my ears, but do please follow the link and have a look yourself. If you don’t have time, a choice excerpt is: ‘’if she hadn’t cheated on him, lied to him, deceived him, badmouthed him and demeaned his morale, all of this would never have happened. Naturally she didn’t expect the reaction that she got but she had to expect a reaction’’. You get the picture?

http://benjaminbartonformp.wordpress.com/2010/07/10/why-i-apportion-a-lot-of-the-blame-from-the-raoul-moat-shooting-on-samantha-stobbart/

Rather than, yet again, blaming the victims of abuse for whatever violence is meted out to them perhaps we should be asking some very serious questions like why, despite receiving information from prison guards that Samantha Stobbart was in danger from Moat, did police not offer her protection? And more importantly, what can we do about the depressing reality that so many people seem to think that women can be held partly responsible for the violence inflicted upon them by partners?

When Samatha Stobbart began dating Moat she was a naïve, uneducated 16 year old girl charmed by a 32 year old man who flattered her and showered her with gifts. According to Stobbart and her friends and family, the 6 year relationship was soon riddled with domestic violence and she had tried to leave several times but Moat had promised to hurt her and their daughter if she left. When Samantha escaped to her grandmother’s house, Moat turned up with a gun and threatened the entire family. Even in Moats rambling letter to police he admitted he wanted not to kill Samantha but to maim her and leave ugly scars so that she would always be reminded ‘never to treat a man like that again’. (Very reminiscent of a certain Zoo advice column).

We know that Samantha was terrified of Moat coming out of prison and that out of fear, she pretended to be dating a police officer hoping that would scare him away. Sadly it didn’t work and now Samantha finds herself accused of ‘taunting’ Moat by making up these lies.

What I find most shocking about this whole case is the idea that this was a totally unexpected incident. Seeing Moat’s previous convictions including the prison term for assaulting a nine year old child, and hearing of the years of abuse he rained on his partner including allegedly splitting her head open and stamping on her stomach, how can anybody say that this was a shock? Domestic violence is VIOLENCE. It’s not a special little semi-violence that is partly the fault of an annoying woman provoking/disrespecting/nagging a man. If a man is capable of years of assault on a woman he purports to love, is an addict, is known to use and own guns and has a criminal record as long as his arm, he is clearly a danger.

For now, I would like to see Samantha Stobbart left alone. I would also like to see Facebook remove Moat’s sick ‘fan’ page due to thousands of comments left inciting hatred and violence to women. I would like to see the IPCC properly investigate why Stobbart was not offered protection when Moat left prison. And for the future, I would like so much more…. I want to live in a society where women stop getting blamed for being stuck in violent relationships but I am beginning to worry that things are only getting worse.

Apologies.....

This is just an apology for not having blogged for a few weeks. What with revising for exams and getting my dissertation finished, I have had a fair amount going on.... though the last week I have had no excuse, other than the glorious weather.

Anyway, this is just to let you know that normal blogging will resume next week and in the meantime, here are a few links to keep you busy!

Education For Choice have started a blog and I urge you to become followers. Anyone that knows me will know who they are from when I worked for them - an incredible charity working with young people and professionals around unplanned pregnancy decision making and abortion. Their Talk About Choice workshops (which I used to deliver when working there) recently won an FPA award and it's about time too!
http://educationforchoice.blogspot.com/

I have just finished reading Kat Banyard's fantastic book The Equality Illusion and highly recommend it to any like minded feminists out there. Lots of reasonably priced copies available on Amazon. Also, take a look at her website UK Feminista for great ideas about how to get active and contribute to, attend or set up your own feminist group.

An excellent article in today's G2 interviewing Gail Dines, the world's most prominent anti porn campaigner. Definitely worth a read (and her book Pornland: How Porn has Hijacked Our Sexuality is available online from today).

Until next week!

Cx

Why do women STILL get blamed for domestic violence?

Another day, another domestic violence story….. I have just read about the arrest of a man in Seattle Washington by the name of Graydon Smith. Apparently the 31 year old forced his pregnant 19 year old girlfriend to sign an ‘abuse contract’ allowing him to beat her whenever he wanted, so long as he didn’t punch or kick her belly. As if this case isn’t sad enough, a quick look at online forums and comments pages in the US press, while littered with very occasional comments such as ‘this man should get life in prison’’ mostly from women, the vast majority of posters – male and female - are pouring scorn on the woman. It makes me so desperately sad that so many people still seem to blame a woman for ‘taking’ violence rather than blaming the perpetrators. A selection of comments from Seattle Weekly’s readers confirm my worst fears:

sally sue says:
Sorry but no one can force you to sign anything or stay in a relationship you don't want to be in. People stay in abusive relationships because they are getting something out of them.

Anonymous says:
What is wrong with that woman, accepts such treatment and signs a contract!!!! Told the police, yet stayed in that sickening relationship?

Will says:
If your boyfriend beats you up why why why do you keep going back to him. I will never understand this

Javert says:
The first time you take a beating from your Bf/spouse your a victim, after that you are a volunteer.

Bubba Bafferson says:
I'm so sick and tired of stories like this one. Not the abuse - I am so sick and tired of the idiot "awww, I know he loves me" women who put up with this crap. THEY'RE the truly disgraceful parties in these stories. Hey, scum exist, and sometimes you hook up with one. Beat me once, shame on you. Beat me twice, shame on me. In this day and age, with the resources that exist to help women get the hell out of these relationships, there is absolutley postitively no reason for them to stay. If they do (and this idiot woman obviously did), them well, it's a harsh truth, but natural selection is alive and well. Weak willed "but I know he's sorry" women make me sick. Get the hell out, and move on!!

Christoph says:
I blame him.
And I blame her.
What the hell is she doing in this situation?
You know, ladies, if your boyfriend is a psychopathic violent abuser, you can leave him and find a man who isn't. You can even screw that man instead of the brute unless he's just so darn nice he just doesn't get your juices flowing -- in which case, take care of your needs yourself -- or, if you insist on being with Grade A world class wife-beater, then you know what?

At some point you're going to lose any right to sympathy if you don't walk away.

Paul A'Barge says:
40 yrs ago when I was pregnant, my husband at the time used to beat me. This is just about as low as you can go.
No, there is one step lower.
The woman who marries this kind of mutt.




What bothers me the most is when women themselves buy into this sick argument. I am one of the lucky ones: I have never been in a physically abusive relationship and yes, it is easy for someone like me to say ‘why would a woman stay with a partner that beat her?’ but there are myriad reasons why women do, fear being the main one. Also, with such a dearth of support services available and such a low conviction rate (like all crimes against women depressingly) it can often seem that there is no choice but to stay. In this instance, the woman contacted the police in April to say she had been beaten by Graydon who had threatened to kill her. She also told the police about the contract that she had clearly had to sign under duress (sign this to say I can beat you or… I will beat you). The police called Graydon on the telephone, they didn’t even bother to visit the house. When questioned on the phone Graydon denied hitting her but admitted making her sign the contract. The police did nothing. They only turned up to arrest him 5 weeks later when the girl’s stepfather arrived at the house to see his daughter being choked, her face covered in blood. Perhaps if the police took domestic violence more seriously and women were educated about abuse then we wouldn’t live in a world with such alarming and depressing statistics of women being beaten daily, some to death, by abusive men.